i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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