rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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