May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
