you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
