i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You dont lie about slip and slides
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
