Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
