I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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