Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
