I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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