omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I skipped work to stalk him.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
