I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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