the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
