A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
