In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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