Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize