I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize