I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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