mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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