I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
