If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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