Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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