I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
