my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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