couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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