there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
