I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
