Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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