On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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