I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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