Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
