I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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