apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
