I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
