my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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