I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
