I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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