i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
