Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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