I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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