I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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