Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
