I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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