Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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