I just pynch a tree in the face
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
