I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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