K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
