Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
