How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Randomize