Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
bring money and cleavage
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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