last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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