Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
