Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
