Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
