Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
