tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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