Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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