I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
