I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
