i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Houston, we have a blender
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
