4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize