Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
