She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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