fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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