Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
