All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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