is your mom at the bar?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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