I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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