you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
