i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
