I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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